Life is amazing sometimes. How your heart can be broken from your child chosing to leave your home and in a different moment be opened by meeting a beautiful soul.
My last year has been quite the journey. I made the choice to rid my life of things I felt toxic. A choice to make some much needed changes of myself and the people around me. I re-embraced my family who I had missed terribly since being away from them. Came back into an independent adulthood. I made many mistakes in my life and many many opening and closing doors over the past year. I am still riding that wave of constant change and still dealing with resistance to the changes I chose to make a year ago. Flowing with the river of life is sometimes easier in theory.
My heart broke in half early this year when I made the decision to let my first born beautiful son go spend some time with his father for two and half months. This beautiful freckled face child I brought into this world. The boy who I have maybe only been away from for 2 weeks during the summer when visiting grandparents. This smart and wonderful skater kid who changed my life almost 15 years ago when he came into it. At that time I was 21 years old. Most likely not headed down a bright pathed future. But when I found I was going to be bringing him into this world.....I changed the world I lived in. For the better. At 21 your party life begins. At my 21 I chose to straighten up and grow up. And I did. I worked my ass off. Working, going to school, and raising him all full time.....and on my own....yet with the help of my wonderful family. Who everyday I am grateful for.....for the strength and patience and exceptance they give me. So through the life changes I chose to make a year ago. I made some mistakes and I was broken and I was sad and all these things also applied to my beautiful little freckled faced first born. We struggled and we struggled. We loved and we fought. But then he found an out. I tried to grip him tighter and tighter. And he grabbed onto that out and pulled it towards him doing everything possible to attain it. I wasn't prepared to let him go at 18 years old let alone let him be away from me at 14 years old. Now he has been gone for 3 months. The longest we have been away from each other ever. He is angry at me for the choices I made to try to make our lives better. He blames me for breaking apart a family. He is a young man.....not quite a man. My heart has been broken. Our children cling to us from birth and one day we look down (or after 14 years we look them straight in the eyes because they are almost taller than us) and we are the ones clinging to them. I still stand by the choices I made. And I know in time that his anger and his blame will lessen and even out between both the parties who broke apart a family not just me. But it is this wading time in between.....this riding down the river of time waiting for life to balance out that is trying. My heart weeps when I think of my beautiful freckled nose little boy being away from me over and over again each day. And I know not to long off his childhood will come to an end and he will be not just a young man but a man. I must allow my heart to break open and accept this ever changing beautiful life. I must forgive myself so one day when he chooses to forgive me my heart will be open to a new love from this beautiful young man. For now I just let my heart break open and flow with the river of life.
Life doesn't ever work out the way we plan it. I am living proof of that as is everyone else that has walked this earth. If we were told to write down our dreams when we are young and then asked to pull them out when we are old I don't know what the percentage would be of people whose life turned out how they had wrote down when they were young but I'm going to say less than 1%. Life is full of.....well life. It's full of other people and twists and turns and kisses and laughter and bruises and tears. Nothing ever goes as planned and planning is for control freaks who haven't learned to just......flow with the river of life. Now I'm not saying just throw up your hands and do nothing. You do have some control over your destiny like how you earn and spend your money (most of the time unless your car breaks down) and you have control how you act towards people people and react towards people. It's not all out of your control.
The biggest key is not holding so tight to the balloon that when it does pop you are surprised. It's in your reaction when the balloon does pop.
It's in the way you handle yourself when things don't go according to plan and how you react when you don't have control. That's where it all comes into play.
And then you walked into my life....................
TO BE CONTINUED.
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